“For months, we simply knew him as this often agitated, sometimes unstable, generally nonverbal, nonpurposeful patient whose actual personhood seemed, if I’m honest, unrecoverable. We didn’t even know who we were trying to recover…”

This month’s Reflections essay in AJN is by Hui-wen Sato, a pediatric intensive care nurse in California. This piece is difficult to describe because it fits no clear category; this is also what makes it alive and engaging.

In “Beholding the Returning Light,” Sato explores the the experience of caring for a patient without ever having had a chance to get to know that person. What do you feel for that patient, and how much do you invest yourself in his or her possible future?

The ‘unthought known.’

Such questions and others may exist on a subconscious level throughout an ordinary work day for nurses in a number of settings. Sato, as she traces the sequence of events, her own emotions, and the role of the patient’s family, adroitly brings them to the surface.

In some cases, there’s never a return of ‘personhood.’ In others, the light of waking consciousness and personality reemerges, and the nurse encounters a very real, very specific individual:

 . . . seeing this patient, his return, his presence, his enduring love, was a gift. Because some days in health care, you don’t really know what hope you are fighting for or for whom.

To learn more, read the entire short essay, which is free, and feel free to let us know your experiences or thoughts.

Or listen to the podcast.

It should also be emphasized here that the podcast reading of this essay, by managing editor Amy Collins, succeeds in bringing a listener right into the story and is well worth just four minutes of your time.